Eddie Vedder-God-Eddie Vedder

The music I am listening to, by Eddie Vedder, is straight from God. Really. For several months I have needed this music. It is necessary. It’s straight from God. It hits your heart like you’ve never known it before, but always known and can’t get enough.

I Love Eddie Vedder’s “INTO THE WILD” CD. WOW. Could it get any better? It’s the CD I want to listen to every night when I am sad; when I want to have sex; when I just want to BE; when I want to be deep.

I usually bring in “Amy Whinehouse-back to black” for the everyday occasion. She can also be heard in the night, too. LOVE HER. She is on my “running” MP3 player music.

“Eddie Vedder-Into the Wild” is not on my running CD. But very well respected and wants to be listened to every day of my existent life. Mostly nightime with my husband and I. He loves, loves, loves it, too. Wow, it’s very powerful.

I would recommend it. I actually cannot get enough of it. I want to listen to it over, and over, but just at night. Probably because my kids are in bed. It’s not bad for kids. It just hits my heart after the kids are in bed. I don’t want to stop! I LOVE YOU, EDDIE VEDDER! THANK YOU!

I also love Amy Whinehouse. She has given me an outlet I hadn’t had in a while. I love every single song she has on her “Back to Black” CD. My 3 year old son sings her lyrics, it’s really cute. My husband loves her music, too.

Eddie Vedder’s CD does the same for me. I love every single song on the CD.

I watched “Into the Wild” a week or two before I gave birth. Wow. Very Powerful. Everyone should see it. I loved every second of it. It was the most beautiful movie I had ever seen. Beautiful from start to finish. My husband read the book, and knew what happens at the end, and then so did I, but it wasn’t what affected me. The whole movie, and music throughout, and all the meaning it had before the end. The end was beautiful, too. Thank you, Sean Penn! WOW! I don’t know if it was because I was about to have a baby, but I cried hard, in the middle and at the end, hard, and couldn’t stop. I’ll never forget it.

No he din’t?!!!

Yes, he did. He said it.

My husband and I have not had much sex since it was “okay” to do so, since the 6 week mark. Sometimes when it’s approved, it’s not as fun. As one of my first post “commenters” commented on. I’m not really in the mood. I’m mostly tired, having no desire, and my hormones are going in the opposite direction of my pregnancy. When I was pregnant, seeing my own naked parts made me horny. Is that possible? My husband was in heaven.

Well…. since I mentioned in my blog, I wanted him to initiate the sex more, I unleashed a flood of fury. Sometimes you shoot yourself in your own foot. Not that I wouldn’t want to have sex all the time, cause I do, but since I don’t desire it at this moment, I have to deal with this sexual being.

The other night, he got into bed and felt the need. I was texting a friend when he starts licking the clitoris. “What is he doing? why is he starting with that? wow, he’s doing it.” First of all, does he have to start with that? Is it just me, but don’t you have to be in the right mood or “single” to start right off with “the area”?. Couldn’t he have started with my ankle at least?” I had my legs crossed, so it was more difficult for him to “get through”. He’s trying hard, and I’m not helping the situation, cause I’m TEXTING, and he suddenly says, “So, you’re growing it out?” No, he didn’t!!! He didn’t just say that?!!!!

He reads my posts. It’s agreed he can read them, unless I specifically say he can’t, and he promises, which I believe, that he won’t. I’m not sure how that will perfectly work, but we’ll see.

Anyway!!!!!!!! Yes, he says it. He’s not allowed! “I’m thinking, first…no, he didn’t, then, no…I’m not growing it out, it’s not even long, that Fucker, what do I say to this, nothing, something, how am I ever going to get in the mood after this? never! why did I write that blog?, okay it’s been 6 weeks since I trimmed, but I’ve shaved lots of times, he didn’t notice that?” After a minute, maybe, he says, “you’re not in the mood, are you?” I said, “No, I’m not.” It’s hard for me to respond. I finally say, “It’s probably best not to say, “Oh, so you’re growing IT out” to begin a lovemaking session. He stops, then tells me that he was trying to be funny since he read my blog. Well, it didn’t work.

Obviously he doesn’t like it “grown out”. If he did, he would say, “OOOOHH, I love it when you let it go naturally, you should always do that.” But….”Oh, you’re growing it out” is not funny, nor a turn on.

It’s funny how you find out what your partner really thinks in the heat of “passion”.

From Breast to Bottle

I always envision a perfect time to write a post. I believe it will happen some day.

Sorry it’s taken me a week to write. Thank you, all, for listening.

I stopped breastfeeding altogether. I thought I could try to take away all the foods I was supposed to, and then re-introduce them to my diet, and hope for the best. They said, even then, it may not stop the colic. I just couldn’t do it, mentally. I decided to try the bottle feeding for a few days to see if it would work. INSTANTLY I saw results. He simply stopped crying. He stopped arching his back, clenching his fists, acting like he was in major pain, getting on & off my breast, spitting up 1/2 of what I fed him, struggling all the time, breaking a sweat, and just being sad. I would breastfeed him, and he was okay most of the time during, but instantly when he was done, the wailing began. It was horrible. It never comforted him. The times I didn’t want to drop him and run away, I really felt bad for him. He was in pain. He wasn’t having any fun either.

So, within a day or so of changing to formula, I could actually sit with my son and look at him, and be with him, and smile with him. He was relaxed, snuggly, smiley, and even cooed a bit. I was in heaven. Whaaaaaat???? Is this what it’s supposed to be like? How could it be? What a dream! I could actually comfort him, with a touch or a look or my voice.

I remember not having that with my first son, until 6-9 months later. The thought never crossed my mind to switch to formula with my first son. WHYYYYY?! I am glad, though, because I got to experience breastfeeding for almost 2 years. It was really great for most of it. My first son loved, and I mean loved breastfeeding. It was the only thing that comforted him, and stopped him from crying. He got so chubbs, but so cute. At the end, I was done. It was just hard to stop. My son cried for a few days, but he was okay. It sucked, but I was better.

Changing to formula only after 6 weeks has been really hard on me. I am sad. I have felt lots of guilt, and still do a bit. But….I could feel myself going down an ugly path. I knew I couldn’t do it again. I thought, hmmm….better to have breast milk?, or have a mother?. Not that I would’ve let it go that far, but still, better to have a sane and happy mother. Even more, my infant is happy. He is relaxed and content. I am happy for him.

I read this and think, “Now why do I feel guilty or feel sad?” It seems ridiculous! Of course I should stop. But, having ingrained in your head how great breast milk is for your baby, and do it as long as you can, and all of your sisters did it for months and years, it’s such a great bonding experience, and my mother didn’t breastfeed-did that affect our relationship?, how will this affect me and my baby’s relationship?, will I have a different connection with my younger son?, will I not be as close? will I not give him the nutrients he needs? etc, etc?

Oh…..the thoughts of a mother.

To shower, or not to shower, that is the question.

This blog is really good for me, mentally. It’s better than a journal. A journal, you are still alone, alone in your muck, with no one knowing how good or bad you are doing. Even though I don’t know any of you, it’s the thought of knowing that someone else out there knows how I am doing. I AM NOT ALONE! And the responses I have gotten have made me feel so good, and make me want to write more. Thank you!

It’s good to get things out, feelings out, words out. Even though I don’t want to “go out”, outside to the trees and the people, at least I can “go out” in the blogging world. Maybe I will want to go out to the real world sometime. I think this is the point of me blogging. I have to start somewhere.

I haven’t showered in 3 days. I wonder if I will shower today. I stink. If you can smell yourself, and you stink, you pretty much stink.

I need to shave, everywhere. I always have this fantasy of never having to shave again, anywhere. It’s so liberating to think about. I try. I’ve tried several times. I usually start to gross myself out, and break down and shave. A few years ago, I had this real need to grow the chachi hair out. I felt like I just needed it to be au naturel, let it be, let it grow. I was so bugged that this day and age, we have to keep it trimmed and perfect. In the 70′s it was perfectly fine to have it all hang out. I didn’t trim my hair the first time until my early 20′s. I didn’t even think about it. I didn’t really keep it shaved and trimmed on a regular basis until I started my 30′s. I’m 36 now. My conservative sisters even trim their bush. What is wrong with our society? But…..I haven’t had that same feeling and need since then to let it all hang out. It kinda gross’s me out. It’s amazing how society can change you? Or is it society?

I don’t shower because I just don’t feel like it, or don’t have the energy. I think I sometimes don’t shower to show my husband how horrible I am doing. He never seems to notice. Or he doesn’t care. Or maybe he doesn’t want to say anything cause he doesn’t want me to feel worse. I don’t know. I think he doesn’t notice. I always notice if he hasn’t showered, and I tell him. It gross’s me out. Or “you stink, or you’re greasy”. Partly it pisses me off he doesn’t say to go shower. It’s another way he just doesn’t notice things are bad off with me. He definitely doesn’t like to deal with me when I am in a depressed state. I don’t think any man likes to. They just hope it goes away. I ask him if I stink, and he says “honey, you never stink, even your sweat smells good.” I think it’s for real. He has told me 2 times since we’ve known each other, 8 years, that my armpits stink. That’s when I knew I really stank.

I think I am going to go shower now.

One boob is not like the other(sung in Sesame Street song, what was that song?)

I think I could be broken.

I’ve been excited to write a blog for days, but writing a blog is like exercising, you have to make yourself do it, or you’ll never do it. I love to exercise, but I have to force myself to do it. Once I’m doing it, I love it. Today is not a day I want to blog. I thought….this is why I should blog the most.

I’ve been up since 5 am. And up every 2 hours before that. I really need to sleep. I’ve been trying all day. My colicky son will not let me. I finally get him down to sleep, and I think, maybe I’ll have an hour. He teases me. Just when I might get under, 20 min. later, he starts screaming. I’ve fed him, changed his diaper, snuggled him, rocked him, and given him “Colic Calm”. This “Colic Calm” we got in the mail yesterday. SO excited! It seemed to really work last evening. We tried it this morning, and he just spits it up. It leaves a nice black stain. The color of the liquid is black. It produces massive amounts of dark green liquid poo. Nothing seems to phase me. I go through at least 5 outfits, 3-4 blankets and all of our burp cloths in one day. Who cares about a black stain? What does that matter, when you just want the crying to stop, or get an hour of sleep?

I stop trying to sleep, and he decides to sleep for an hour and a half. There is intermittent shots of crying for a few seconds to scare me into thinking he is about to wake up. I realize I am not supposed to be a mother. I cannot do this. Maybe he isn’t colicky, and he is just a normal baby that cries, and I can’t handle it. I’m not good at it. I don’t like it. I sometimes don’t like my baby, and want nothing to do with him. He’s screaming right now, MUST GO TO BABY, in robot voice.

I decided to stop breastfeeding, two days ago, for reasons due to Colicky Baby. I realized I cannot eat nothing. But that’s another post. I started introducing a bottle, and breastfeeding every other feeding so that my boobs would not kill me. I tried the first night to go the whole night without breastfeeding, bad move. My right breast, since it produces more, and is the breadwinner of the two breasts, it became a 50 lb. rock hard bursting cantaloupe. I woke up at 2 in the morning with puddles of milk in my neck, and sopping wet sheets. I sleep naked, so I just used the sheets for absorption. Every time I moved I had to pick up my breast and slowly move to it to the other side. It was painful. I broke down at the 5am feeding and said, I’ll breastfeed this time. NEED RELIEF. In robot voice.

Speaking of my right breast, the other night it was producing an extra amount of milk, and it started squirting my infant in the face, a lot, so I decided to go show my husband and 3 year old what I could do. My nips have never squirted before, not even with my first child. So I interrupted their story time and uncovered my nipple and squirted my husband and son in the face. I do hope my 3 year old forgets that moment. It WAS funny, but maybe not necessary.

My husband told me this morning that he was going to get home as soon as he could today. He knew I was in the hole. It’s 4:20, he usually gets home at 5pm. So I am thinking he will be home by 4:55 today. It will give me much relief.

I need the computer to be telepathic. I had the baby asleep in my arms, but as soon as I put him down, AWAKE. If I talk to the computer, he will awaken, and since I only have one hand to write, it would be nice to send messages to the computer and wahlah, it’s written. So it was written, so it is done.

It’s now 4:57pm, no sign of husband. All is good, I have a beer in hand.

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